Kristin, of Broken Heights, Lindsey, and I have formed a chick band! We are called Autumn Tree, and we are very excited about getting started! We've had the opportunity to play for Break Free Bible Study at The Loft, and we're playing there again tonight for the final meeting of the summer.
Kristin came up with the name after we'd been back and forth between a LOT of names. She was describing what she felt like it meant. She said that Autumn is a time where the trees are preparing to let go of their leaves in order to be ready to start anew in the Spring.
We're kind of in that place right now. It feels like we're preparing to let go of something that's been a part of our lives for five years now. It feels a little like losing a part of myself, but Kristin made a good point last night at practice for Autumn Tree. What if all of that was to lead up to this? What if the last five years was preparing us for what we're about to venture into with this new band?
So many possibilities... I've loved the last five years. I've formed some fantastic friendships. We've created some fantastic music. I'm not ready for it to end yet, but I am ready to start something new with Autumn Tree. It's going to be different. It's definitely going to stretch me! I have to actually learn to play an instrument! eek... Lessons will begin in September for the guitar. My good friend J-Sauce will be my teacher, and I am sure I will learn while laughing my head off! He's a goober and a half, but he's a fantastic teacher! Can't wait! Who knows, maybe I'll learn the mandolin too!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Israel Song
I should probably explain the title... If you've never read Ezekiel 16, it's a story of God's seeking after Israel and their constant running away. It talks of Israel's beginnings and how God found her just after her birth, lying naked and deserted. It tells of His acts of love in covering her with His robe and raising her as His own. She doesn't stay for long, though, and she goes off prostituting herself to anyone who will have her. It's worse than prostituting, really, because she pays for men to misuse and take advantage of her. She chases after them,and they all laugh at her. God, though, cannot help but love her and wait and hope for her to reach the end of herself, so He can bring her back home. It's beautiful! Truly!
I cannot help but identify with that story. If you read my first post, you'll understand the reasons. How often I have chased after someone who would only take advantage of me. How often have I run away from the One who truly loves me to chase after those that would not love me.
About two years ago, I wrote a song called Israel's Song that told my story as the story of Ezekiel 16. It's a very real look at the darkness I was in and the questions I found myself asking. It's not a song that completely resolves itself in the end, as so many "Christian" songs do. It's not to say it doesn't end well, but it's not a "happily ever after" type ending. It would not be honest if it did. I still struggle with the same questions. "Can you really love someone like me?" "Can you really redeem me after all that I've done?"
When I was preparing to give my testimony several weeks ago for the college Bible study, my mother repeated something Beth Moore had said in one of her messages. "God does not redeem half-way!" If I asked God to redeem me, I'm redeemed. He doesn't do things half-way. He doesn't partially forgive. He forgives and casts the sin as far as the east is from the west. (For those that aren't geographically inclined... east and west never meet! If you're heading east, there is no point at which you will then be heading west.)
So, my questions and doubts, though they are unfounded, have already been answered. He can and DOES love someone like me, and He HAS redeemed me. So, the question I should be asking now is, "When am I going to start living as someone who is known and loved completely?"
I cannot help but identify with that story. If you read my first post, you'll understand the reasons. How often I have chased after someone who would only take advantage of me. How often have I run away from the One who truly loves me to chase after those that would not love me.
About two years ago, I wrote a song called Israel's Song that told my story as the story of Ezekiel 16. It's a very real look at the darkness I was in and the questions I found myself asking. It's not a song that completely resolves itself in the end, as so many "Christian" songs do. It's not to say it doesn't end well, but it's not a "happily ever after" type ending. It would not be honest if it did. I still struggle with the same questions. "Can you really love someone like me?" "Can you really redeem me after all that I've done?"
When I was preparing to give my testimony several weeks ago for the college Bible study, my mother repeated something Beth Moore had said in one of her messages. "God does not redeem half-way!" If I asked God to redeem me, I'm redeemed. He doesn't do things half-way. He doesn't partially forgive. He forgives and casts the sin as far as the east is from the west. (For those that aren't geographically inclined... east and west never meet! If you're heading east, there is no point at which you will then be heading west.)
So, my questions and doubts, though they are unfounded, have already been answered. He can and DOES love someone like me, and He HAS redeemed me. So, the question I should be asking now is, "When am I going to start living as someone who is known and loved completely?"
Just moved!
Well, I started this thing on Clear Blogs, but I couldn't figure out how to make my background cuter. Therefore, I have moved! It's much more fun to blog when you have a cuter background. Plus, all of my friends are on blogspot, and I can add them as blogging friends. :)
Romance
I started this thing, and I've been horrible about being consistent with posting. Consistent? Heck, this is only my second post in over a month! :) At any rate, I wanted to share what's been going on over the past several weeks.
I had an opportunity to share my story with the College Bible study that I've been helping out with for the summer. It was a little unnerving to be telling about my screwed up past in front of a mixed crowd of college kids. The amazing thing, though, is that God completely reigned in that room during that time. It was a tough subject to discuss, but God opened up some hearts to receive the correction, the encouragement, the teaching. It was incredible.
From that time was birthed a discipleship group of college girls that, for some crazy reason, I am leading. We've been reading The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis. I had read it before, and I thought it would be a good start for a discipleship group. The book is amazing! I, on the other hand, am not so great, as it turns out, at discipling. I am in utter need of God's grace in this venture because I am totally unequipped. Sure, I have more experience and knowledge, given that I'm quite a bit older than these girls, but does that mean I'm qualified for this? They are such precious women of God, and I've already, from one or two meetings, learned things from THEM!
Let me say something, though, about the book... Eldredge and Curtis are basically presenting the idea that we have been designed for, and deeply long for, a "relationship of heroic proportions." We were designed to have a ROMANCE with God! ROMANCE! It's something we can understand from an earthly perspective, but how do you have a romance with someone that exists in the spiritual realm? In reading this book and realizing again some of the things God does for me, my question is now, "How could I NOT be in love with Him?" He's gentle, kind, strong, compassionate, loving, forgiving, giving... the list goes on. We're talking knight in shining armor on a white horse here!
Song of Solomon has often been referred to as a representation of the relationship between Christ and the church as His bride. There is a verse that is the voice of the lover calling to his beloved to come out of her hiding place. He tells her he wants to see her face and hear her voice because her face is lovely, and her voice is sweet. If that is Jesus calling to me, I want to answer! What a man! I want a romance with Him! There is no one on Earth who can match that kind of love, that kind of passion!
I had an opportunity to share my story with the College Bible study that I've been helping out with for the summer. It was a little unnerving to be telling about my screwed up past in front of a mixed crowd of college kids. The amazing thing, though, is that God completely reigned in that room during that time. It was a tough subject to discuss, but God opened up some hearts to receive the correction, the encouragement, the teaching. It was incredible.
From that time was birthed a discipleship group of college girls that, for some crazy reason, I am leading. We've been reading The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis. I had read it before, and I thought it would be a good start for a discipleship group. The book is amazing! I, on the other hand, am not so great, as it turns out, at discipling. I am in utter need of God's grace in this venture because I am totally unequipped. Sure, I have more experience and knowledge, given that I'm quite a bit older than these girls, but does that mean I'm qualified for this? They are such precious women of God, and I've already, from one or two meetings, learned things from THEM!
Let me say something, though, about the book... Eldredge and Curtis are basically presenting the idea that we have been designed for, and deeply long for, a "relationship of heroic proportions." We were designed to have a ROMANCE with God! ROMANCE! It's something we can understand from an earthly perspective, but how do you have a romance with someone that exists in the spiritual realm? In reading this book and realizing again some of the things God does for me, my question is now, "How could I NOT be in love with Him?" He's gentle, kind, strong, compassionate, loving, forgiving, giving... the list goes on. We're talking knight in shining armor on a white horse here!
Song of Solomon has often been referred to as a representation of the relationship between Christ and the church as His bride. There is a verse that is the voice of the lover calling to his beloved to come out of her hiding place. He tells her he wants to see her face and hear her voice because her face is lovely, and her voice is sweet. If that is Jesus calling to me, I want to answer! What a man! I want a romance with Him! There is no one on Earth who can match that kind of love, that kind of passion!
Journey of Forgiveness
It's unbelievable how many people I've met who have been in relationships where they've given themselves away to someone who took everything he or she wanted and left. I think it's gotten so easy, in our culture that romanticizes everything, to believe that if we give a piece of ourselves away, we'll get something in return. We want to believe that the return on our emotional investment is going to be a fulfilling relationship, albeit a physical one, and we're going to live "happily ever after" because that's the way it's supposed to happen. Right?
What we don't see in the beginning, when we're rushing headlong into the seduction of a romantic relationship, is that all of the things we're so quick to give away are the things we're supposed to be holding onto; they are those things we're supposed to be saving for the one that is meant to receive them.
I remember my first "serious" relationship. There were "I love yous" and plans for the future. There were anniversary celebrations and gifts. Things a good relationship is supposed to have. The only problem was that I was 13, he was 16, and I was diving in with both feet into something I knew nothing about. I don't imply here that this serious relationship was a fulfilling and meaningful relationship. I merely mean to say that we were "serious" about each other. I was devastated when we broke off the relationship because so much of me was poured into it. I would even dare to say all of me was poured into that relationship. I honestly didn't know what to do next.
When the chance came to relive that relationship some years later, I again jumped in with both feet not knowing what I was doing. I would equate it to jumping into a pool blindfolded not knowing which end of the pool you're jumping into. What I thought was the deep end... wasn't. It wasn't a deep and wonderful sharing of our hearts and minds; there was no planning for the future. It was four years of not knowing which end was up. It was four years of being tied to someone who wasn't tied to me. I gave myself fully to someone who had no intention of giving any part of himself to me, and the only return I got on my investment were emotional scars, a new and unimproved opinion of myself, and a twisted sense of searching for a relationship with men I knew were going to hurt me.
The salt in the gaping wound was that he got married, but I didn't. Even after he was married, he told me if things had been different, he would have married me. Even years later, those words haunted me stealing any hope I had that the gift of marriage was anything I'd ever know.
What kept eating at me for all those years was that I knew I was doing exactly what my mother had always taught me not to do. I was pretty good at hiding it from her, but I knew it was only a matter of time before I was going to have to come clean. I never wanted to tell her, to confess to her that I had become what she had tried to keep me from. I didn't want to tell her that I had looked her in the eye hundreds of times over those years and lied to her. The fear of her disappointment kept me from telling her the truth. The years of keeping that time in my life secret kept me in bondage to it. I was certain that my mistakes were the cause of my prolonged singleness, and I wore my singleness like a disease. I shook my fist at God because I hadn't married, but then I always gave him the permission to keep me that way because I had so willingly made mistakes.
About two years ago, something happened that finally began to close the gaping wound I'd been living with for so long. I had written on a piece of paper five "giants" that I feared I couldn't conquer as part of a Bible study lesson my mother, of all people, had taught on the Israelites crossing over the Jordan into the Promised Land. The Israelites were afraid because there were giants in the land that God had given to them, the land that they now were supposed to claim as their inheritance. She asked us to write down five giants we were dealing with that we needed God to conquer in our lives. I wrote down my first one: sexual sin. I shuddered at the sight of it. I wrote others down that I don't remember now, but I buried that piece of paper in my purse in hopes of hiding it once more from my mother.
On occasion, I get in purging moods, and I empty all the contents of my purse and only return what is absolutely necessary. I found that piece of paper and immediately put it back in my purse, so I thought. I saw it on the desk at home, and I remember thinking, "I better move this, so mom doesn't find it."
A few days later, mom asked me if there was something we needed to talk about. Words you never want to hear a parent say because usually means confession of some kind is inevitable.
My mind raced wondering what she was talking about, and then she showed me the piece of paper that bore my handwriting and those words "sexual sin." At first, I said that it was a mind issue. She pressed on. We left the house and sat in my car in the parking lot of a nearby grocery store. She asked me again. The fear I felt made my heart race. I didn't want to look at her. I didn't want to open my mouth, but it was like I was compelled. It poured out. Every detail that had brought me shame upon every remembrance of it. I couldn't stop.
I felt like I should duck and run for cover from the wrath that was going to be poured out on me for the things I'd done, the wrath I deserved. The shocking thing was, though, I saw the tears in her eyes that were flowing like those in my own eyes. She was hurt... BUT...she embraced me. She said things like, "I'm so sorry" and "Why didn't you tell me before?". There was no judgement. There was no condemning, all those things I wholly deserved an had feared for so many years. We cried there for a few minutes and went home.
That following Sunday, after church, she took me to the place I'd made a commitment, as an 8th grader, to remain pure until the day I married. The day I promised to give myself only to my husband. I stood there now, the church empty, with a lump in my throat thinking of all the ways I had broken that promise and spit in the face of that commitment. It was overwhelming.
She hadn't brought me there, though, to mourn over my past. She'd brought me there to start over. There we stood, in the same aisle where we'd stood so many years before, she took my hands, and I renewed the promise I made. Then, she walked me to the altar, the one I'd gone to as a child to give my heart to Jesus, and we had the Lord's Supper together as a symbol of the forgiveness I'd already experienced from God and the forgiveness she was showing me now. It was the most tangible display of God's forgiveness I'd ever experienced.
After that day, the message I kept getting from the Lord was that of redemption over and over again. Understand I am not perfect, and it's been a difficult journey to that place of truly realizing that my worth has nothing to do with my past or who was in it. The times I have thought I was past it, the times I let my guard down, have been the times I have fallen flat on my face. God's grace, though, still permeates the darkness, and He continues to wash off the dirt and set me right again.
I know there are some who have felt the same torment and shame of their own mistakes. I'd love to show you how God's forgiveness can take that away, but more than anything, I'd love to walk this journey of redemption with you.
What we don't see in the beginning, when we're rushing headlong into the seduction of a romantic relationship, is that all of the things we're so quick to give away are the things we're supposed to be holding onto; they are those things we're supposed to be saving for the one that is meant to receive them.
I remember my first "serious" relationship. There were "I love yous" and plans for the future. There were anniversary celebrations and gifts. Things a good relationship is supposed to have. The only problem was that I was 13, he was 16, and I was diving in with both feet into something I knew nothing about. I don't imply here that this serious relationship was a fulfilling and meaningful relationship. I merely mean to say that we were "serious" about each other. I was devastated when we broke off the relationship because so much of me was poured into it. I would even dare to say all of me was poured into that relationship. I honestly didn't know what to do next.
When the chance came to relive that relationship some years later, I again jumped in with both feet not knowing what I was doing. I would equate it to jumping into a pool blindfolded not knowing which end of the pool you're jumping into. What I thought was the deep end... wasn't. It wasn't a deep and wonderful sharing of our hearts and minds; there was no planning for the future. It was four years of not knowing which end was up. It was four years of being tied to someone who wasn't tied to me. I gave myself fully to someone who had no intention of giving any part of himself to me, and the only return I got on my investment were emotional scars, a new and unimproved opinion of myself, and a twisted sense of searching for a relationship with men I knew were going to hurt me.
The salt in the gaping wound was that he got married, but I didn't. Even after he was married, he told me if things had been different, he would have married me. Even years later, those words haunted me stealing any hope I had that the gift of marriage was anything I'd ever know.
What kept eating at me for all those years was that I knew I was doing exactly what my mother had always taught me not to do. I was pretty good at hiding it from her, but I knew it was only a matter of time before I was going to have to come clean. I never wanted to tell her, to confess to her that I had become what she had tried to keep me from. I didn't want to tell her that I had looked her in the eye hundreds of times over those years and lied to her. The fear of her disappointment kept me from telling her the truth. The years of keeping that time in my life secret kept me in bondage to it. I was certain that my mistakes were the cause of my prolonged singleness, and I wore my singleness like a disease. I shook my fist at God because I hadn't married, but then I always gave him the permission to keep me that way because I had so willingly made mistakes.
About two years ago, something happened that finally began to close the gaping wound I'd been living with for so long. I had written on a piece of paper five "giants" that I feared I couldn't conquer as part of a Bible study lesson my mother, of all people, had taught on the Israelites crossing over the Jordan into the Promised Land. The Israelites were afraid because there were giants in the land that God had given to them, the land that they now were supposed to claim as their inheritance. She asked us to write down five giants we were dealing with that we needed God to conquer in our lives. I wrote down my first one: sexual sin. I shuddered at the sight of it. I wrote others down that I don't remember now, but I buried that piece of paper in my purse in hopes of hiding it once more from my mother.
On occasion, I get in purging moods, and I empty all the contents of my purse and only return what is absolutely necessary. I found that piece of paper and immediately put it back in my purse, so I thought. I saw it on the desk at home, and I remember thinking, "I better move this, so mom doesn't find it."
A few days later, mom asked me if there was something we needed to talk about. Words you never want to hear a parent say because usually means confession of some kind is inevitable.
My mind raced wondering what she was talking about, and then she showed me the piece of paper that bore my handwriting and those words "sexual sin." At first, I said that it was a mind issue. She pressed on. We left the house and sat in my car in the parking lot of a nearby grocery store. She asked me again. The fear I felt made my heart race. I didn't want to look at her. I didn't want to open my mouth, but it was like I was compelled. It poured out. Every detail that had brought me shame upon every remembrance of it. I couldn't stop.
I felt like I should duck and run for cover from the wrath that was going to be poured out on me for the things I'd done, the wrath I deserved. The shocking thing was, though, I saw the tears in her eyes that were flowing like those in my own eyes. She was hurt... BUT...she embraced me. She said things like, "I'm so sorry" and "Why didn't you tell me before?". There was no judgement. There was no condemning, all those things I wholly deserved an had feared for so many years. We cried there for a few minutes and went home.
That following Sunday, after church, she took me to the place I'd made a commitment, as an 8th grader, to remain pure until the day I married. The day I promised to give myself only to my husband. I stood there now, the church empty, with a lump in my throat thinking of all the ways I had broken that promise and spit in the face of that commitment. It was overwhelming.
She hadn't brought me there, though, to mourn over my past. She'd brought me there to start over. There we stood, in the same aisle where we'd stood so many years before, she took my hands, and I renewed the promise I made. Then, she walked me to the altar, the one I'd gone to as a child to give my heart to Jesus, and we had the Lord's Supper together as a symbol of the forgiveness I'd already experienced from God and the forgiveness she was showing me now. It was the most tangible display of God's forgiveness I'd ever experienced.
After that day, the message I kept getting from the Lord was that of redemption over and over again. Understand I am not perfect, and it's been a difficult journey to that place of truly realizing that my worth has nothing to do with my past or who was in it. The times I have thought I was past it, the times I let my guard down, have been the times I have fallen flat on my face. God's grace, though, still permeates the darkness, and He continues to wash off the dirt and set me right again.
I know there are some who have felt the same torment and shame of their own mistakes. I'd love to show you how God's forgiveness can take that away, but more than anything, I'd love to walk this journey of redemption with you.
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